How to set boundaries in relationships [Podcast EP 44]
Sep 08, 2019
Healthy boundaries are becoming more and more of a popular topic these days. If you didn't grow up in a family with healthy boundaries (and many of us didn't) you wouldn't even know what boundaries look like or that you could have them.
Having boundaries is important because it preserves our energy. If you're constantly letting people in who suck away your energy, you will be left totally empty, exhausted, and unable to operate at your highest frequency. The world needs your light and your energy, so let's get this sorted!
In this podcast episode we'll cover:
- How to know what your boundaries are
- Why setting boundaries is important
- Why we often avoid setting boundaries
- What happens if you don't set boundaries
- How to sort out which people in your life are crossing your boundaries
- What it feels like and looks like to set boundaries (examples)
You can also download and subscribe to this podcast for free on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, or listen on Youtube.
How do you know what your boundaries are?
The way to figure out what your boundaries are is to take time to notice the people who offend and irritate you in your life, and notice what they're doing or saying in that moment when you start to feel this way.
Start noticing, when you have a phone call coming in and you feel resistance to answer, because you know you'll feel drained after the conversation. Think about who or what pulls you off your center.
Why is setting boundaries important?
When we allow anyone and anything to cross our boundaries, we are exhausted, because we are accommodating to their wants and needs instead of our own.
Once you're able to set boundaries, you begin to preserve your energy, and then you have all this energy to quietly observe, rather than trying to do the impossible task of pleasing the other person.
When you can observe the other person, you can realize at what capacity they are capable of operating at. And once you accept this and don't have higher expectations, you won't be disappointed and let down.
Preserve and observe!
Why do we avoid setting boundaries?
There's a book that's been around for a while called Boundaries by Doctor Henry Cloud. It outlines a couple reasons why we avoid setting boundaries:
- Fear of hurting other persons feelings
- Fear of being abandoned by this person
- You depend on this person to make decisions
- Fear of the other person's anger
- Fear of disrespecting your religion/spirituality
- Feeling guilty/feeling like you're being rude
What happens if you don't set boundaries?
You're setting yourself up to be disappointed, heartbroken, and exhausted, every time.
You're expecting someone to be able to love you or respect you in a way that they don't have the capacity to, because their parents did not do this for them.
How do you sort out the people in your life you need to set boundaries with?
Start by going through your phone and seeing who you text and call. What do you talk with them about? Who gets let in on your most personal information?
Who do you dread seeing or talking with?
Who do you feel most drained after interacting with?
Look at your notifications. Do you let every single notification on your phone come through, from every app? Those are boundaries you haven't put up.
How does it feel to set boundaries?
When I changed the way I looked at all the people in my life, and understood their capacity, I adjusted my expectation and learned to be happy with that, to look at the relationship for what it was. When I understood that, then I could enjoy the time I had with those people.
In the Back to YOU Academy, we cover all this stuff at a much deeper level, and I can coach you one-on-one on your particular situation. The next academy starts Monday, September 9th, at 8pm EST. Click the link below to join!
Want more?
Join the Back to You Academy: Click here!
Work with Melissa
Need help stopping the cycle of toxic relationships, living happily single, and finding true love? If you're tired of being the only person in your friend group who's not in a healthy, happy relationship, I can help you! Here's how:
- The Level Up for Love one-on-one coaching package, which includes taking the Gumball Love Assessment and Relationship Analysis, four coaching sessions with Melissa and one coaching session with Iain and Melissa as a couple, or
- Join the VIP Private Facebook Group
- Follow Melissa on Instagram: @melissajaneroberts